


The Babysitter Protocol

by Princessfbi



Series: You're Just Making Them Up Now [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Attempted Kidnapping, BAMF Happy Hogan, Big Brother Little Brother Relationship, Bodyguard, Downton Abbey Reruns, Happy Needs a Nap, Humor, Media exposure, Peter is an Introvert, Precious Peter Parker, Secret Identity, Shyness, Slight Hurt/Comfort, sweater paws
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:30:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessfbi/pseuds/Princessfbi
Summary: “You’re just the only person the kid trusts,” Tony had added, the manipulative bastard.He was the kid’s bodyguard!There! He said it. Happy Hogan was now--- until Tony had figured out who had ordered the hit out on Peter--- a teenager’s personal bodyguard.A Sequel to 'Soccer Mom Protocol' but can also be read as a stand alone.





	The Babysitter Protocol

Happy was going to make Tony give him that Ferrari he promised. If it was the last thing he did, Happy was going to hold him to that promise.

Ever since the attempted kidnapping incident and the eventual media fallout that resulted in Pepper having to make a public statement about how Stark Industries will not tolerate any harassment towards their employees/interns and Tony smothering any attempts of reporters trying to find out Peter’s name… Happy had been demoted to his high security days.

“It’s not a demotion, Happy,” Pepper had said in that exasperated tone where she was trying to be professional and sensitive to his feelings.

“You’re just the only person the kid trusts.” Tony had added, the manipulative bastard.

He was the kid’s bodyguard!

There! He said it. Happy Hogan was now--- until Tony had figured out who had ordered the hit out on Peter--- a teenager’s personal bodyguard.

Thank God it wasn’t a 24 hour rotation. He just picked the kid up for school every day and stayed with him until his aunt returned from work at night.

That also meant that Happy had to tail Peter to every one of his classes. The school administration had been a little on the defensive about having a total stranger walking around their students but a few careful words from May about the fact that Peter had been taken right under their noses _alread_ y had the hard nosed principal agreeing to Happy serving as a shadow.

Happy then had to meet and brief every one of Peter’s teachers, examine every possible exit, and learn all of Peter’s known associates… which Happy could count on one hand.

The Ned kid was fine. Peter had good tastes and no, it had nothing to do with the way the Ned kid looked at Happy in awe every time they made eye contact. Michelle or MJ --- _whatever_ \--- was odd and he met her suspicious glare with one of his own.

That’s how he was introduced to that Flash kid Peter always mumbled about whenever he was particularly annoyed.

“Who’s the giant, Parker,” Flash had said with a jovial sneer and an aggressive bump to Peter’s shoulder. Peter rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop the flush of pink making his way into his cheeks. The kid hadn’t been particularly pleased when he’d first found out that he’d been grounded from Spider-man and that Happy would be shadowing him but the exposure to his classmates seemed to be the worst part.

“The guy that’s going to send you back into the seventh grade if you make us late for Chemistry,” Happy said when it appeared Peter wasn’t going to answer. “Out of the way.”

Flash’s eyes widened when Happy placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder and steered him around the teen and to his next class.

If Happy was a sensitive man, he would’ve thought Peter was trying to ignore him. The first day Happy had followed Peter around school had been awkward and uncomfortable because Happy was a grown ass man trying to sit unnoticed in a classroom full of children. But the kid, who was normally always so damn excited when he saw Happy, had barely spoken a word to him and had spent most of his time with his head down. If he hadn’t known the kid at all before this whole mess he would’ve thought Peter was keeping to his word and trying to keep a low profile. Unfortunately, Happy knew it was because Peter was embarrassed and the constant attention he was receiving from having a body guard follow him around was making his introverted nature blanket him as a whole.

So, Happy tried to make things as easy as possible for the kid. He was quiet and spent more time observing than keeping himself glued to Peter’s side.

And Jesus the things he observed.

Like for example, the kid was stupidly smart. Like almost as smart as Tony which in itself was a feat. Where normally a stress filled stammer and excited rambling came spewing out of the kid’s mouth, a confident response was always given whenever he was called on in class. He never asked questions and not because he wasn’t paying attention but because Happy was pretty sure the kid understood what all his teachers were saying. He absorbed information like it was a sponge and took notes for a back up. Happy didn’t understand half of what these people were teaching the kids but Peter had no problem comprehending. He curled in on himself when he thought no one was looking and forced himself relax when anyone--- Flash--- sent a glare his way. He barely touched his food at lunch which Happy was going to have a talk with May because the kid needed to eat more. He liked when his sweaters curled around his hands but constantly was pushing the sleeves up his arms when he wasn’t paying attention. And, Happy could also tell, he was starting to feel antsy about having not being able to go out on patrol.

Happy got it. Tony was the same way. Why walk when you can fly. But until the person behind targeting Peter was found, the kid was just going to have to get used to sitting in the backseat of Happy’s car as they drove back and forth to school.

All of this went on for two weeks and the kid was just starting to act a little bit more normal which, is how Happy found himself in the middle of a school bus on the way to a Decathlon meet in Connecticut.

 “Who was the inventor of EMDR?”

_Ding!_

“Francine Shapiro.”

“What is the strongest metal?”

_Ding!_

“Vibranium.”

“What book won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 1940.”

_Ding!_

“The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck.”

“Name two scientists involved with the Manhattan Project.”

_Ding!_

“Robert Oppenheimer and Howard Stark.”

_Ding… Ding… Ding…_

Happy was going to go crazy.

“What year did the Beatles release their number one single?”

“1963,” Happy was saying before he realized what he was doing.

The bus for the first time in what felt like hours fell blissfully silent as the students turned to gape at him. The teacher, Mr. Harrington, had a growing grin on his face and Peter had turned beet red in his seat.

“Dude,” The Flash kid finally said, glaring down at Peter. “How old is this guy?”

Happy’s never actually wanted to physically punch a child before but he was going to get real close if they didn’t arrive in Connecticut soon.

Happy was pretty sure his blood pressure rose when the eventual _dinging_ continued and he was very close to handing in his actual resignation to Tony when finally the bus pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. Peter stood to run off the bus with the rest of friends and groaned when he felt Happy’s hand drop onto his shoulder and pull him beside Happy.

“C’mon Happy!” Peter whined but Happy shook his head.

“Sorry, kid, but these are the rules.”

“Do these rules ever actually end or do you just make them up as they go?”

Happy chose to ignore him as he scoped out the growing crowd in the lobby and kept Peter firmly at his side.

Peter spotted the team gathering around a set of comfy lobby chairs and tried to pull away only for Happy to pull him back.

“ _Happy!_ ” Peter grounded out between his teeth. Happy made another show of checking out the crowd one more time before he let the kid go with a nod of his head.

“I will be right over at the counter. Do _not_ go with anyone.”

“Only if they offer me candy, right?” The smartass waited until he was out of Happy’s reach before he replied and when he did he raced away to meet his friends.

Happy rolled his eyes and made his way over to the front desk. Happy had made previous arrangements with the hotel before and so when he gave his name, the manager handed over a security walkie talkie and a security key for less crowded exits meant only for staff. Normally, Happy was met with a little more resistance but dropping Tony’s name was always handy.

By some miracle, Peter was still where Happy had left him when he wrapped things up and by then it was time for the team to make their way to the ballroom where the competition was being held. The open room was perfect because he didn’t have to worry about any catwalks or hidden corners but he couldn’t help but feel a little on edge. The group of teenagers in their mustard yellow jackets were some of the most stressed out people Happy had ever met and he worked with Pepper Potts. Flash looked like he was torn between fainting and throwing up. The one girl, Cindy, looked like she was about to have a complete freak out. Peter was curling his hands in and out of his hoodie over and over again that it was a wonder the sleeves didn’t have holes.

“Kid,” Happy muttered so no one else could hear when they lined up at the side of the room. “You throw yourself off of buildings for a living. How are you this freaked out?”

“Yeah but like this is important,” Peter stressed. “If we win this match then we go onto regionals.”

It didn’t help that the kid didn’t even blink once when he was saying it. Happy rolled his eyes for what felt like the millionth time that day alone and tapped Peter on the back.

“You’ll do fine, kid.” And Happy’s not sure what he said but suddenly Peter is beaming up at him before he realized what his face is doing and it curled down into something like a bashful smile.

Not long after, the kids are called on stage and the tournament begins and after three excruciating hours Ned answers the winning question in the final death match.

Peter would later ask if the loud booming cheer had been Happy and Happy would respond that he was being ridiculous and that he was barely paying attention to the match.

It’s winning however, that seems to be the unfortunate mistake.

The kids get their picture taken with their trophy and one thing led to another and suddenly, some news site has leaked Peter’s name. Tony was quick to get the information redacted but by that point Peter’s identity is already out there.

The sight of the crowd of reporters standing at the school entrance almost had Peter hyperventilating and for once he doesn’t shove off Happy’s hand as he navigated Peter through the crowd. Peter had thrown up his hood and Happy had taken off his jacket to put over Peter’s head so none of the reporters actually got a decent shot of anyone but Happy but the overall experience was traumatic in its own way and Peter spent the rest of his day curled in on himself.

Happy could tell being grounded by Spider-man wasn't helping either. But what other chance for his secret identity to get out than to have a bunch of reporters swimming around trying to corner Peter. Peter reluctantly agreed.

“Give it a week and they’ll move onto the next hot shot,” Happy had tried to reassure. Peter simply kept playing with his cafeteria style pizza.

Tony did one thing better. He got Steve Rogers to hold a press conference.

The next day, no one bothered Peter when he went to school.

“Happy,” Peter said one day from the backseat. “I appreciate everything, honest, but when is Mr. Stark going to let me have the suit back? I think if they were going to make a move, they would have by now.”

“He’s just worried, Pete.” Peter rolled his eyes at that and dropped into a sulk Happy had grown accustomed to over the several weeks together. 

“What if I only go on patrol for like three hours and… and… Mr. Stark can like monitor everything and I check in every hour or something.”

Happy sighed and pulled the car alongside of the curb.

“Wait!” He ordered and Peter froze with his hand on the door handle. “You know the rules.”

“Happy!” Peter complained and flopped back onto the seat with a dramatic fling of his limbs.

Happy let him out of the car once he deemed the road safe and placed a hand on his shoulder to lead him into the apartment building. He had been expecting the attitude for a while. With the reporters and the hovering, it was only a matter of time before Peter felt like a caged bird. He told Tony just that the other day on the phone but Tony and May agreed that it was for the best. Besides, Tony was pretty sure he had a lead with someone in Oscorp and it wouldn’t be long now.

“You don’t have to come upstairs with me, you know.” Peter tried as they made their way to the elevator.

Happy snorted and pressed the call button. “Nice try, kid. May isn’t coming home till late tonight. You’re stuck with me until she does.”

“What’s this one supposed to be called? The Babysitter Protocol,” Peter mumbled a little bitterly. Happy refrained from responding and just sent in his update with FRIDAY on his phone. He also added as an additional note to Tony that the kid was getting real close to giving Happy the slip one of these days so maybe Tony could at least let the kid swing around a little.

The elevator opened with a ding--- Happy may have PTSD from the bus trip--- and Peter crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for Happy to go first. Happy scanned the hallway and held a hand out for the keys to the apartment. Peter dropped them into his palm and muttered something else Happy didn’t bother trying to understand.

“Wait in the doorway,” Happy reminded him when he opened the apartment door.

“I know.” Peter drew out, annoyed. Happy ignored him and stepped through the apartment, clicking on lights and checking any corners. He glanced down at the table and viewed the arrangement of magazines. It was a trap he had taught May to do every time before she left. The titles were layered in alphabetical order and Home Garden was dog eared in the middle of the book.

Everything seemed in order.

“Ok, Peter, you can---“

“Happy!”

Pain. It rammed into Happy’s consciousness like a freight truck right after he felt a body slammed into his middle and taking them both down to the floor. The bullet that would’ve lodged in his throat ended up in his shoulder instead. Frantic small hands were grabbing and pulling at him and Happy only clawed into reality enough to try and push Peter away.

“Go,” he hissed, shoving a hand towards Peter’s chest. But what little mileage he was able to push the kid away, Peter slid back beside him and turned him over.

“Well that’s disappointing,” a voice that was definitely not Peter or May said. The front door slammed shut with a kick and before Happy could do anything, Peter was throwing himself on top of Happy, shielding what little he could with his lithe body. Happy nudged his hip out of the way and peered around Peter.

“You son of a bitch,” Happy cursed when Justin Hammer finally stepped towards them.

“Hey Happy,” Justin drawled, tilting his head to the side. “Sorry about the shoulder. I was going for your head.”

Happy grimaced and tried to sit up but Justin stepped forward and held the gun towards Peter until the barrel was pressed into his hair.

“No, no, don’t get up.”

Justin looked worse than the last time Happy saw him. His pinched face was drawn and weighed down by loose skin. His eyes were dark and sunken. His button down looked like it was over a decade old and his glasses were cracked and held together by tape.

The pool of warm blood collecting under his body was cooling in a way that sent Happy’s stomach turning. The bullet must have hit something along the way. But he couldn’t worry about that now. FRIDAY would be reporting his vitals to Tony any minute and even if the kid could heal, Happy wasn’t about to let Peter take a bullet.

“Go Peter!”

“Stay Peter,” Justin mimicked. He flung an unimpressed hand towards Happy and Peter and sized the kid up and down. “C’mon, Happy, this is the kid you’re going to die for? What is he? Twelve?”

“I’m fifteen,” Peter said, his mouth pressed into a thin line and his hands pushed onto the gun shot wound in Happy’s shoulder. He looked torn between wanting to stay with Happy and taking Justin head on but without his webslingers he’d have to risk getting close to Justin to disarm him.

“Whatever,” Justin said, cocking the hammer back on his gun. “C’mon kid. Time to go.”

“I don’t know who Spider-man is! That’s just some dumb rumor someone spread around school,” Peter said, his voice pitchy as Happy’s blood started to stain his fingers.

“Oh that’s ok, kiddo.” Justin smiled in a way that Happy knew too well. Justin was a lot of things. He was both an idiot and a genius. He was egotistical and vengeful. He was also a hair pin trigger on an almost psychotic temper and the way he was looking at Peter was definitely not good.

“See, at first I thought you were just an ends to a means but now I realized something.” Justin knelt down until he was eye level with Peter and tapped the barrel of his gun against the kid’s cheek. “You’re important to Stark. Why else would he have his lap dog following you around all these weeks? And while I’m curious as to what makes you so special, at the end of the day, I don’t really care. You’re death will be just as painful as his stupid little Spider sidekick.”

Happy yanked Peter back with his shirt as hard as he could and sent the kid flying into the living room.

“Go now!”

Justin wasn’t expecting Happy to lunge for the gun so he ended up sprawled on the floor with a large bodyguard wrestling him. The gun skidded under the dining room table and Justin and Happy took out a table leg. With a sharp jab to his bullet wound that sent Happy curling into pain, Justin reached the gun first and aimed it at Happy.

A leg sailed through the air and landed on Justin’s face, knocking the ex arms dealer back. Justin grabbed onto Peter’s ankle and the teen fell onto of Happy but Peter just gritted his teeth and kicked his other leg, landing his heel in the middle of Justin’s face.

With one last kick Justin was falling onto his back and staying there.

Happy and Peter both took a second to breathe as the reality of the situation settled over them like humidity.

“FRIDAY,” Happy panted, tapping his watch and pulling himself into a sitting position against the wall. “What’s back up’s ETA?”

“Boss is five minutes out. Emergency Medical vehicles are en route.”

Emergency medical. Good. Painkillers. Room service. Downton Abbey reruns. Medical time was going to be good. 

“Happy?” Happy glanced up at the all but whimper of his name. Peter was staring at him, his face pale and his hands stained, and something in his expression that Happy had never seen before on the kid’s face. The kid was actually scared which was just great because seriously? He gets thrown from a car and fights criminals on a daily basis and Happy getting shot in the shoulder was the thing that freaked him out?

“I’m fine, kid,” Happy said, trying to sound reassuring even though it hurt like a bitch and the blood loss was making him want to pass out. Peter didn’t say anything and stumbled over to him, his hands hovering Happy like he was afraid he’d only make things worse.

“Hap…Happy,” Peter stammered. “Happy what… What can I do… You’ve.. I… I don’t…”

“What did I tell you about listening to me?” Happy barked because he wasn’t about to let the kid fall into a panic attack over him. Peter stopped and blinked all innocent at him. “When I tell you to run, you run. End of discussion.”

Wordlessly, Peter nodded and scooted closer when Happy beckoned him over. Dropping a hand on his shoulder and ignoring the trembling, Happy scanned the teenager for any injuries.

“You ok? You hurt? Don’t lie to me.” Happy sighed, pulling and tugging on Peter's limbs to make sure they were still intact. “I’m not going to be the one to explain to that weird girl why you miss your decathlon meet this Friday.”

Peter nodded and tried not to smile because this was a serious situation and Happy did not just admit that he was scared of MJ.

“Mr. Hogan,” FRIDAY said. “Boss would like me to inform you that he’s thirty seconds out.”

“Great,” Happy said, because if he was being honest he was really looking forward to some pain meds. “Tell him---“

Peter let out a yelp as he dropped onto his hands before being dragged away. Happy grabbed onto Peter and the teen scrambled to get a hold of Happy. Justin Hammer was spitting blood from his mouth as he yanked Peter back by his leg and wrapped a hand around Peter's throat. 

“Perfect! Tony can watch as I kill you, you little shit.”

Peter twisted to block but he didn’t have to because suddenly Happy was on his feet and swinging the broken table leg with all his might. Justin dropped to the ground in a boneless heap and didn’t get back up.

“Holy shit, Happy!” Peter gaped staring up at Happy with a similar look of awe his friend Ned had.

“Iron Man incoming.” FRIDAY announced as Tony’s repulsors echoed throughout the apartment complex.

“A Ferrari, Tony!” Happy shouted out the window. “A Ferrari! A red one with an aux cable!"


End file.
